Just Another Day in Paradise

One day, while walking down the streets of my neighborhood in Jamaica Plain (a tiny little piece of Boston), I overheard some scruffy, street dwellers talking about all the cans they found that day. At one point, after hearing that one of the guys made $5.50 in can money, the other guys replies, "Somebody's gettin' fucked up tonight!" And they were being serious.

Well turns out that most of those guys find most of their cans at my building's dumpster. Every morning I wake up to the dumpster melodies of the men looking for their aluminum booze money right outside my window. I don't use an alarm clock. I just wait for the dumpster to start ringing clickity clank and I get up, stretch and remember that SOMEBODY'S GETTIN' FUCKED UP TONIGHT.

Well I guess the dumpster boys have started quite the trend because my dumpster seems to be the hot spot in town lately. And not just for cans. But, for anything and everything.

I think it's important for me to give you all a mental peek.

Around 5PM I heard a familiar noise coming from outside. I opened the window to get a better look.



I notice a sweet van that I have never seen in these parts before and a man who I know does not live in the building.






I wondered if the back was packed with 5 or 6 illegal immigrants.
It wasn't. It was packed with stuff from the dumpster.




Wow, that back seat looks pretty packed up with stuff. He's probably got everything he needs. No?





Oh I see. he brought his dumpster sword. He is what my mother would call rummaging. I wonder if all the good stuff was at the bottom like a crackerjack box or an ice cream sundae.



His dumpster sidekick told him he needed to dig a little deeper for the good stuff. He wanted the ladies to reward him for all the good treasures he was about to bring home, right?



Sidekick shows him all the beautiful things he has found today.



They have done well. It is time to retire. Coronas for everybody.











It's just another day in paradise as the South Street dumpster allows two more to get fucked up tonight.

I found her in a crackerjack box

She plays wipeout on the drums
The squirrels and the birds come
Gather round and sing the guitar
Oh i. . .have you got nothing to say

When all words fail
She speaks
Her mix tape’s a masterpiece
Walks through the garden
So the roses can see
Oh i. . .have you got nothing to say

And you can see daisies
In her footsteps
Dandelions, butterflies
I wanna be kate

Everyday she wears the same thing
I think she smokes pot
She’s everything I want
She’s everything I’m not
Oh i. . .Have you got nothing to say

She never gets wet
She smiles and it’s a rainbow
And she speaks and she breathes
I wanna be kate

Down by rosemary and cameron
She hands out the Bhagavad gita
I see her around every couple days
I wanna see her so that I can say. . .
hey kate

For Relaxing Times, Make it Santory Times

Thoughts of the Day
Well I don't think it was an ulcer after all. It could have been the mexican food I ate 3 days ago. Maybe it was all the bread and cheese I ate the day after. Or, it definitely could have been the burrito I ate the day after that. Regardless, the "ulcer" is gone and it's a good thing because last night I ate Thai food.

Today at 4Pm I will be running around the office giving high fives and slaps on the ass because by gone it, WE MADE IT THROUGH ANOTHER WEEK AT WORK!.... and to me that's like winning the World Series. If I had champagne, I'd spray it.

How can the MSN Horoscope be right on every single day?
The hard work and detail-oriented planning you have done lately is really starting to pay off, dear Virgo. The key today is to maintain your sensitivity and look to where you can be of service to others. The nurturing side of you is feeling the need to express itself in a helpful manner. Follow your heart and be respectful of your emotions. The thing you need to be most careful of is not overextending yourself too much.
Seriously it is freaky!

I had a dream last night that I was sitting at the final table of the World Series of Poker. I hate that I'm dreaming like a 40 year old man. It must have been the Thai food.

I will be in Vegas on Aug. 16th staying at the Hard Rock Hotel. Plans include going to an intimate Tom Petty show, getting a hot rock massage and stealing 87 million dollars from the vault of the Bellagio.

Puma has contacted me to offer me my own shoe deal. I told them I would like to bring back The Pump. I haven't heard back from them.

Hired the Moviephone guy to record the voicemail message on my cell. "Hellllooooo and welcome to Stay See's phone. Brought to you by Cheetos and Fox Sports."

Have an urge to play Wonderball tonight.

Critic's Corner- the KNOW ALL, BE ALL to your weekend.

Drink to drink- Dark & Stormy [Dark rum & Ginger Ale]
Food- Taquitos
Outdoor Activity- Wet T-Shirt Car Wash to support your weekend.
Indoor Activity- Fun with Jello Jigglers
Movie to See- March of the Penguins with the kids. Wedding Crashers or Hustle & Flow with a date. Murderball if you wanna get crazy.
TV Show- Entourage bitches! Hug it out Sunday night at 10PM...HBO

Ha en vakker helg!

This Is How We Do

Thoughts of the Day
I think I have an ulcer in my stomach. I've had sharp pains for 2 days now. The ulcer is eating away at my creativity. So today may be a reduced calorie entry.

Today is my grandmother's birthday. She would have been 90. She died just about 14 years ago. My mother told me to be sure I said a prayer today because it was Nana's birthday. I don't really know what that means. But, I am pretty sure that is my mom's way of telling me to be sure to think of Nana today. Don't worry Mom. I already am.

I was talking about throwback jerseys the other night and my friend asked me what a throwback was. It was asked with such innocence I told her it would somehow make my blog.

If you haven't seen Wedding Crashers yet you are missing out. By far, the funniest thing I have seen in a while. Despite Owen Wilson's nose hypnotizing me on again off again during the movie, I couldn't stop laughing. Vince Vaughn is the funniest actor period. Go ahead and challenge that statement because I've got like 50 of his movie quotes to attack you with. Try me.

Would any of you ever move to Maine? Tell me why or why not.

From now on call me Macushla.

Mandy Moore is Aquaman's kryptonite.

If you throw a quarter in a wishing well, does that mean you get 25 wishes?

I Got Dibs

It's about 100 degrees here in Boston today and I'm melting.

How's Your Humpday?

• Wrote an email to Mother Nature telling her "Point taken. I will conserve more. Just shut off the damn heat!"
• Made a Suicide at the fountain soda machine. (If you don't remember, a Suicide is when you mix all the kinds of soda offered in one drink) No Ice.
• Got an urge to play TV tag.
• Ate York Peppermint Patties as a means to cool off. But I didn't feel no damn sensation.
• Confirmed it takes 9 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie pop.
• Wondered if the Tootsie Pop Owl could make a living at Hogwarts.
• Came up 5 things I would do at a blonde dyke bar and then someone had to inform me the saying is "Klondike Bar" and I had to re-evaluate my list.
• Finished my list of childhood honies.

#4 The Sorta MILF

Erin Gray as Kate Sommers Stratton on Silver Spoons

#5 The Cheerleader

Tiffani Amber-Thiessen as Kelly Kopowski on Saved By the Bell

#6 - The Vixen

Tiffani Amber-Thiessen as Valerie on 90210

#7 - The Babysitter

Elizabeth Shue as Chris Parker in Adventures in Babysitting

#8- The Athlete

Martina Navartolova

Oh...Uh...I mean

Uh there were only 7. Yes, just 7.

100 degree blog

In blogging to Goddess, I told her that I have played the drums since I was 11 years old. I told her it all started with that damn show, Kids Incorporated. So that got me thinking about Kids Incorporated and how it ruled my life for a good portion of my "tween" years. And that turned into me googling KIDS INCORPORATED. Yay. I found a way to distract myself until 4 O'clock.

BUT....

In trying to rekindle my fire for Kids Inc. I stumbled across the Davinci Code of my life. My current celebrity crush, FERGIE, from the Black Eyed Peas is none other than STACY, from Kids Incorporated!! Are you kidding me? Am I the only person on the planet who did not know this? I tend to think I know a lot of useless stuff. Did I miss Access Hollywood the night this was brought to the public's eye?

It just so happens that Stacy from Kids Inc. is #3 on the list of girls from my childhood that made me feel kind of funny like when we use to climb the rope in gym class sort of way...

1984

2005
Stacy turned into Fergie? My life has come full circle.

Oh and I am almost sure many of you want to know who else was on that list...

95 Degree Blog

Thought of the Day
It's new music Tuesday on Itunes and they have put up the soundtrack to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Great. Now I can freak myself out from the comfort of my own home or while on the go with my Ipod. Included is an extended remix of the Willy Wonka song. Extended remix is an industry term for "add beatbox." Both DJ Exacta and DJ Tomi took a stab at extended versions. See you in the clubs, Wonka.

David Gray also has a new song out. And, yes, like all his other songs it puts me in a depressive coma.

Tuesday Shout Outs

The Corndog
You just can't find decent meat on a stick these days. Well, at least not in Boston.

Lance Armstrong
Doin' it, doin' it and doin' it well. And I'm not just talking about Sheryl Crow.

Who is that lady?

The Wizard
80's movie about Nintendo with Fred Savage. It launched the powerglove. So Hot!

Today's Goals

• Break down the language barrier at Store 24.
• Whistle while I work.
• Leave nothing to the imagination.
• Perform mouth to mouth on a CPR maniken.
• Dress up the same maniken and take her out to dinner.
• Reinact the closet scene from ET. I will play Gertie. The maniken will play ET.
• Practice my Speak and Spell voice.
• Develop the Goonies Never Say Die silicon bracelet to raise money to save the Goonedocks.

Wanna?

Wanna Fanta..don't ya wanna?..Wanna Fanta?...don't ya wanna?

The movie is about to begin. I am so excited. Oh great, the Fanta commercial comes on (I triple-dog-dare you to get that song out of your head). The person sitting next to me leans over and whispers in my ear, "Answer as fast as you can...If you had to DO one of the Fanta girls, which one would you choose?"

Simple. RED.

How was your weekend?

Get Drunk on the Crunk: Saw the best movie I have seen since Million Dollar Baby. It was called Hustle and Flow and if you haven't seen it yet, then you have no idea what my last post was all about. Whoop that trick!

Funny, but kind of annoying: I sat next to 2 people (see photo) who decided to talk throughout the whole movie. At first, it was funny learning about how one of them stole all the other one's shrimp off her salad at dinner when she was in the bathroom. But, then it got a little annoying.

My eyes are playing tricks on me: Dropped $15 on freaking Photo Hunt out at the bar trying to reassure myself I am NOT blind. Thanks stupid bar game for convincing me I have early onset cateracts. Fucking awesome.

Put another dime in the jukebox baby: Played jukebox war with a 60 year old cowboy. This guy decides to drop like $20 in a jukebox on a Saturday night at a Boston bar. Wait. He plays all country music! What? So I decide to trump his ass and fill the jukebox myself and play nothing but 80's crap- kryptonite for any country-music-loving man. Some of my tracks included Kiss is on my list (Hall and Oats), This is it (Huey Lewis), I'm Still Standing (E-John), and Conga (Gloria Estefan)...hahahaha

Hard Times: I spent a combined $35 on a jukebox and video game at a bar. Somebody cut the cord.

More Cowbell: The music group the Caesers did a remake of the Blue Oyster Cult's, Don't Fear the Reeper, and the neglected to involve use of the cowbell. If anyone knows the whereabouts of the Caesers, would you please let me know? I would like to inform them that they just butchered the Mona Lisa.

Lost & Found: I did some cleaning this weekend and found this under my bed.

It wasn't mine. I swear.

It's Kind Hard Out Here For a Pimp

When he tryin' to get this money for the rent



For the Cadilacs and gas money spent



Will have a whole bunch lotta bitches jumpin' ship



Go see Hustle & Flow.

This Week's Rewind

Watched the 1986 hit movie, Lucas, starring Corey Haim and finally got all those inside jokes related to sex.

Wondered why all famous child movie stars from the 80's are making a huge comeback as tv stars in 2005 while in their forties.

Was nicknamed "Bug Bite"

Stuck my head in the freezer to cool off too many times to count.

Added bomb pops, Capri Sun and circus peanuts to my grocery list.

Decided I want potato sack races at this year's birthday party.

Couldn't wait to go see Hustle & Flow at the movies. I have decided that since 50 Cent took the self-proclaimed rap name (Fitty Cent) of my childhood, Bug Bite would work just fine.

Tried to lure some old people with hard candy.

Went to see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory just for the air conditioning.

Told my mother that the only way to live is G's up, Ho's down.

In Other News

My book was released.

I got a gig as the new Bowflix girl.

And, I had a really weird dream.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Puppy Love

She was my first love. She was a little bit older than me, but she had spunk and she knew it.

Her vasoline ball was where it's at.

Now they are turning her into a remake and my childhood crush can only watch as she thinks about her failed marriage with John McEnroe and her addiction to heroin.

Here's the new spitball taking her place in cinema.

No Diggity No Doubt

Thought of the Day
To all the men who ride on the bus with me every morning. Here are a few tips:

Pleated pants went out in the early 90's. Pleated pants with sneakers was NEVER in to begin with.

The belt was made to hold up your pants. It is not there to be used like a man charm bracelet around your waist. No joke, one guy this morning had his phone (in a leather case), his Ipod (in a leather case), his ID badge (in a leather protector) and a swiss army knife ALL clipped to his belt.

Fellas- this is what your waist looks like.









Despite how many Queer Eye for the Straight Guy episodes you have seen, you CANNOT pull off the striped shirt and polka dot tie look. Carson was lying when he said ANYONE can dress up the polka dot with a little bit of stripe.

The Weekender
Looking for ideas for something to do this weekend?

• 3-legged races at your nearby park, field or backyard after consuming an intoxicating amount of alcohol. You might need to bring trash bags though.
• Go to a local lecture, speech or reading of some sort and when it come to the Q&A portion begin all your questions with, "Riddle me this, Batman.." Would also work when ordering a meal.
• Pop Rocks and Coke.
• Drive around all day and at every red light ask the car next to you if they have any Grey Poupon.
• Attend a local armed forces recruitment and ask them if knowing really is half the battle.
• Use your video camera to shoot a CRIBS episode of your house. Don't forget to include the hot whips in the driveway, the Crystal in the fridge and refer to your bedroom as the "place where all the magic happens."

Today's DH Quote

"Rock the kazbah...Rock the Kazbah......Rock the Kazbah...Rock the Kazbah!" [yes, JUST Rock the Kazbah...CONTINUOUSLY...over and over again...oh wait...here comes another.]

#2
"Hey, uh, don't work too hard down here, ok..."

..and that concludes our lesson on things idiots say when they lack any creativity whatsoever. This isn't the first time I have heard someone resort to using Rock the Kazbah to try and look cool.

Do the Humpty Hump

How's your humpday?

• Developed an obscession with Nick and Jessica made-for-television specials.
• Got offered 2 pairs of Red Sox tickets for the 1PM game. Faking my death at work at 12PM.
• At lunch I am going to challenge the Burger King "Your way right away" policy.
• Implementing the word "canoodle" into as many sentences as I can.
• Decided that whenever my boss asks me something stupid, I will reply with "Nah, I think I'll take the physical challenge."
• Bought a Crocodile Mile on sale as CVS. It'll be perfect for the hallway in my apartment. Surf's up.
• Researched the effects of Crocodile Mile and decided to return the damn thing. Narly.
• Put fake tanner all over the palms of my hands and changed the faking my death idea to "Look! I have jaundice!"
• Since it looks like I WON'T be the next Supreme Court judge, I decided to go with my fallback "what I wanna be when I grow up" idea. Lounge singer.
• Left a message for Jude Law saying I am can watch the kids this weekend. Wink, wink.

For a giggle

Looking for a laugh at Tom and Katie's expense? Ha HA....

To Flip or to Flop?

Check this out

Isn't it great that we all have our priorities in check as Americans?

7 Up to Space?

Thought of the Day
7 Up is offering chances to win a free ticket to space. They are going to give away a Virgin Galactic ticket to space. For those of you that don't know, Virgin Galactic is the newest endevour of billionaire brit Richard Branson. His big idea is to create space stations in orbit and allow people to travel all over space. Sounds cool, but scary. Although, he might be on to something with the current state of affairs our country is in. It could serve as a nice getaway. And, as a culture, we have finally reached the point where people are vying for trips to the moon. Weird, especially since winning chances are not only on packs of 7UP, but also found in cherry 7UP, A&W Root Beer and Sunkist orange soda. I guess we should plan on an 8 year old finding the winning ticket. I think Branson has developed Wonka-envy.

TUESDAY'S SHOUT OUTS

Jude Law
I heard on the radio this morning that while your hot fiance, Seana Miller, was out working, you decided to sleep with your nanny while your kids were home (and they told on you). Have you seen too many of your OWN movies, Jude?

The Bad News Bears Movie. [1976]
I don't think you'll find lines like, "What do you expect? All we got on this team are a bunch of jews, spicks, niggers, pansies, and a booger eating moron. Now we got a girl for a pitcher?" in this summer's Billy Bob remake. Props to the original. That movie had balls.

Ma'am & George from Webster
His name was George Poppadopolis people and his wife's name was Ma'am. Nuff said.

Black Cherry or Cherry Vanilla
It don't matter if you're black or white as long as you are with Cherry...mmm, good stuff.

Hungry Hungry Hippos
They helped me cope with my childhood obescity. My friends 'til the end.

Choose your own adventure books
Harry Potter's got nothing on you, my friend. The book that you were never done reading. My new get rich quick scheme is to write adult choose your own adventure books. Now, that'd sell for sure.

Today's Goals

• Kiss a frog and turn him into a prince.
• Buy some Pringles. FIND the way to STOP once you POP.
• Find a universal cure for the hangover.
• Tell my dentist that spit tool fucking sucks.
• Have pizza scratch and sniff stickers for lunch.
• Urge HBO to actually make Queens Boulevard.
• Mail my broken T-Mobile cell phone to Catherine Zeta-Jones.
• Take down Voldemort.
• Finish the Tour de France.

Return of the Ghost Swing

Do you remember the infamous "ghost golf swing" post I wrote a while back? (If you don't remember, check out the June 29th post). I was referring to the man who shares office space with me. He's not really my boss...more like a collegue...more like an annoying, egotystical roach that never leaves your bathroom. Except, this roach talks..a lot. This roach likes to talk about golf, the pipes in the office that leak, golf, what I am eating for lunch (not his lunch, my lunch), golf and sometimes he likes to talk about golf.

He thinks he looks like this. He really looks like this.

When he isn't talk about all things related to pipes and golf, his second favorite thing to do is stand in my doorway while I am trying to accomplish something on the computer (my blog..no I do work too) and JUST STAND THERE. He doesn't say anything. Sometimes he puts his arms out to the sides to reach the door framing. Sometimes his arms are just by his side.

Now when he does this I am stuck in a very weird position. One, I am forced to use all my Jedi powers to not turn and snap and say, "What the hell do you WANT?" Second, I need to think of something catchy and whitty to say in order for him to get the message that I want him to go back to his space. One day I told him, "My door told me she doesn't like when you touch her like that." But he is such a wuss that he has no comeback and just walks away only to return 10-15 minutes later.

Now, that's not fun. So for now I just make "fake" conversation like I actually care about the British Open results.

In order to help myself cope with him and reduce my aggression towards him I have decided to implement a new feature here on Stacey dot com called The Dickhead Speaks. Be on the lookout from time to time when the big DH says something new.

Today's DH Quote

"mmm...what's that? Turkey? Turkey sandwich? What's on it?..a little mustard maybe? mmm"

The Canada Experience

Thought of the Day
In case you were wondering, Montreal, Quebec CANADA is 310 miles north of Boston. Just through New Hampshire and a good portion of Vermont, you can quickly get to Canada's french- speaking provence of Quebec. My recommendation is to do a brisk 90 miles and hour to alott for the time spent at the border. It's a nice little getaway for those of you who enjoy smoking in public, strip joints and the occassional one-armed homeless person. Seriously, I am wondering why I didn't run into Bobby and Whitney up there.

Sainte-Catherine Street. A great place to shop and also where our hotel was. The exchange rate was almost 2 Canadian to my American buck. Not being that great at math, I decided instead of mentally doing the arithmetic I would just tell myself that it basically meant buy one get one free.

While in Montreal we decided that the best spot for lunch would be the local Mexican place. Right. Haven't you heard that Montreal is known for their Mexican? I feel like that's just as bad as someone going to France and getting Chinese takeout. What was even better was the waiter spoke french. I was so confused.

At night the homeless people took over the city. The most surprising thing about Montreal was that all their homeless people seem to have dogs. Even the one-armed, barefoot man in front of the liquor store had a germain sheppard.

Things Heard Around Canada

1. Do you think we could get some Expos tickets? Yeah, probably real cheap too considering they don't exist anymore.
2. If we don't get a hotel room we should just keep driving to the North Pole.
3. The resturaunts aren't serving lunch yet. But, the strip clubs are open. We can get a lap dance while we wait.
4. Don't forget. The car is parked right in front of Le sexe de sexe club de filles nus.
5. Don't let me leave here without picking up some Molsen XXX and fireworks.
6. Fuck. Are all these channels in french?
7. Look. They put people playing hockey on the money here.
8. Montreal is kind of sketchy. Beautiful. But, sketchy.
9. At 2Am the circus opens. It's $20 and they give you fruit.
10. I am not buying a necklace that has a shelacked leaf on it. I feel like my child should make me one of those in 2nd grade.
11. When we get to the border and they ask me what I am bringing back, should I lie?

July 15- July 17

I am getting in the car and driving. I have packed a bag to last me 3 days. Boston I do not love you when it is 85 and humid out!

I will be in search of good times, cool water and illegal fireworks.

4th of July is best served 2 weeks late.

I will catch you up on the Weekly Rewind when I get back.

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

“Tommy Lee Goes to College” premieres Aug. 9 on NBC.

Tommy is part of the Cornhusker percussion section while attending the University of Nebraska.

In an attempt to contend with ratings,

FOX has announced it's new Tuesday night rival,

"Pamela Anderson Gets Freaky at U. Nebraska."

Leave it to FOX to always have to one up the other networks.

On 500 mg

Thoughts of the Day

Walking into work with Prodigy's Smack My Bitch Up playing on the Ipod gives you a certain pep in your step as you begin a new workday, if you know what I mean...

After 301 days of holdout, the NHL owners and players will finally take the ice next season as scheduled. I'm psyched because now I can go back to continuing to act like hockey doesn't exist which is a lot more fun than it actually being a reality.

I got this text message from my mother, "cu l8r. brb. 143". Huh?

Reasons I have nightmares

With my birthday only 2 shopping months away, I have decided to create a wish list.
In no particular order I give you my TOP 5...
1
2
3
4

5