A Night on the Town

It's Friday night here in Bangor, Maine. There is nothing to do, no where to go and certainly no one is getting "fucked up tonight." So, instead I thought I would share with you some fond memories of one of my all-time favorite Friday nights ever. We were at Charlie's in Cambridge and, well, you'll see.......

..mmm, mmm.

HiCCup.

I'm okay. No one noticed.

But, Kate farted.

She farted TWICE.

What are you looking at?

I'll just draw the attention to myself.

Am I cute when I sleep?

Nah, SHE's cuter.

I miss our fun, Friday date nights. I'm thinking of you. Sweet dreams.

You have reached Stacey.com

I am unable to write blogs at this time.

But, if you leave a message i will be sure to return your comment as soon as possible.

Thanks for coming and I hope to see you soon.

BEEP.

Chapter II

Exerpt from I'm a 43 year old busgirl...

On my 28th birthday my mother opted for a present rich in wisdom and advice, instead of something woolly and extra large that I can exchange at the Gap. As I picked up the phone I braced myself for her yearly rendition of the Beatles Birthday Song. In case you are not familiar it includes the time honored verse "bah, nah, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh!" She sings that song every year on all of our birthdays.

After her last phrase of "we're gonna have a good time..." I stopped her in her tracks and pushed the conversation along. This is where the present of words came through the wire.

"So a man gets admitted into the hospital and has open heart surgery," my mother blurts out in the middle of me telling her how broke I am. "After coming out of surgery he is placed in recovery and is lying there with an oxygen mask on his face, when he beckons the nurse over to him."

"How are you feeling, sir? Your surgery went great," the nurse told the man.

"I feel ok, but are my testicles black?," the man asked the nurse.

"Sir, your surgery went great. You had open heart surgery."

"But, nurse, are my testicles black!?," the man asked straight faced.

"Sir, I do not see how that matters right now."

"Nurse, are MY TESTICLES BLACK?," the man said a third time.

"Well, fine, sir, let me check." With that the nurse went underneath the sheets and began to poke around between the man's legs. After a few seconds she came out from under the blankets.

"Sir, your testicles are fine," she said with a puzzling look on her face.

The man removed the oxygen mask from his face and looked shockingly at the nurse.

"Well, that's all fine and good but I was asking you if my test results had come back."

I laughed and thought that was a great joke and waited for my mother to tell me the check was in the mail. After the punchline my mother stated how much she loves telling that story.

"Have a great birthday, Stace. I love you."

"No sweater?"

Bah, Nah, Nah, Nah, NAAH, NAAH!

Thought of the Day
On September 16, 1977 and giggly baby girl was born in Norfolk, Virginia to Stephen and Lisa Sullivan. My mother was not awake for the delivery as she chose to be drugged out for the C-section birth. When my mother came to and the nurses brought in her new bundle of joy, she started screaming and hollering, proclaiming she was certain she had a boy! She demanded to see her son and sent the nurses scrambling out of the room for cover. Apparently, my mother doesn't do well with medication.

If I have to hear that story every birthday, then so do you.

How's my birthday?

• Saw a man at the gas station who I swear was the Gordon's Fisherman.
• Got a sudden craving for fish sticks.
• Starting narrowing down possibly birthday candle wishes.
• Used the same "boob" to get me free gas this morning. 2 Boobs at Citgo will only get me an oil change.
• Found out my birth weight was really 7 pounds, 10 ounces. NOT, the 7 pounds, 11 ounces I've been telling everyone the last 28 years.
• Came to terms with the fact that I have been living a lie.
• Wondered how George Burns handled turning 28.
• Shouted "FUCK" out loud after realizing I am officially closer to 30 than 25.
• Starting the official planning of my 30th party. We'll be doin' it up Diddy style.
• Ironed my birthday suit.

The Naughty List

Things I have crossed off my birthday wish list in the last month.

• Edible underwear. Have you ever taken a fruit roll up and wrapped it around your finger and....no thanks.
• A weekend getaway in New Orleans.
• Rafael Palmero autographed baseball.
• An SUV.
• Brittany's baby to be born on my birthday. Bastard was born last night.
• A Michael Jackson prison theme party.

Brittany Spears named her son Preston. (insert "are you kidding me face") I have nicknamed him Presto Fedo.

Thank you and be sure to tip your waitresses.

How's Your humpday?

• Got the guy at Starbucks to give me a free coffee for showing him my boob. For 2 boobs, he said I write my own ticket.
• Seriously contemplated buying a roll of pennies and letting them ride at the wishing well down my street.
• Gave human resources a heads up that the government has given me "special priveledges" to not have taxes taken out of my check.
• Wondered where Capris Suns fit into the new food pyramid.
• Hired someone to host my birthday bash.
• With only 2 days to go, I have absolutely decided on my #1 birthday wish.
• Called Jerry Lewis to see if he would consider a Save Stacey Telethon.
• Found a way to get cheaper rent here in Maine.
• Accidentally typed in "webshits.com" instead of "webshots.com" and was mortified.
• Got super angry that there is a complete library of all OC episodes on DVD but NOT 90210. Where do people get off?
• Re-wrote the happy birthday song to include the the phrase "old wrinkled ass."

Is it just me or does Jessica Simpson's dad creep anyone else out? Just a thought. If we are not careful he could run for President.

Is that street legal?

One of my favorite terms is "street legal." On this fine Tuesday morning, let's explore the question of whether or not some of our favorite things are street legal.

• lawn darts
• paddle ball
• slinky
• Pizza Hut cheese baked crust
• water bras
• Match Light charcoal
• Easy Bake Ovens
• Slip N Slide
• 7-Eleven Coffee
• Bubble pipes
• WOW potato chips
• Tether Ball
• G-Unit...is G-Unit street legal?
• Stacey dot com...is Stacey dot com street legal?

Reasons I haven't been blogging

1. My dog ate my computer.
2. I forgot to pay my cable/wireless bill.
3. My computer was being held for ransom.
4. I have been busy digging a hole to China.
5. I lost my blogging rights in a poker game.
6. I tried to quit blogging cold turkey and it took me 5 days to fall off the wagon.
7. I thought my blog cheated on me with Angelina Jolie and I broke up with it.
8. $50 for every day I don't blog is going to help Hurricane Katrina victims.
9. I was too high.
10. I was cork soaking and speaking to Coloniel Angus.
10. My friends triple dog dared me not to blog.

Sorry I haven't been around. Work is pretty busy and we started practice last Thursday. I will try to make it up to all of you. Here are some of those pictures I had promised last week.

Hanauma Bay, Hawaii





The team I was coaching in Hawaii.



Having fun on the team bus.



Playing some ukelele at the airport with my team.



This girl I know playing the ukelele.



My friend Finn. (AKA Coloniel Angus)

Warning

In keeping with my trend of posting about big consumer conglomerates this week I would like to bring up something else that has been on my mind.

Is anyone else sick and tired and incredibily annoyed with the Mazda "zoom, zoom, zoom" song?

ENOUGH.

A fast, little car.

I get it.

End Scene.

Eat Fresh

Now, I am no expert or anything, but you gotta step back and wonder why the Subway sandwiches in Orono, Maine taste better, look fresher and are far more meatier than any other place else in the world.

Now I have eaten Subway just about everywhere. Even had in once or twice last month on my Hawaii trip. I started eating it when they built a new one in my hometown when I was 13 and it became all the rage. That was until high school, when my firend Julie Fratercangelli worked there and told us about the infamous tuna salad incident. Appartently, Miss thing was slicing tomatos and cut her finger and well ....it's just better off if I stop the story there.

As a college softball coach I have made one too many pitstops wherever I see the yellow sign. But, I do have to admit, I like it. It doesn't compare to a good SUB..you know, from the city. But, in a jam and in need of a quick fix, Subway gets it done. Just call me Jarrod.

But, today I opened up my turkey and ham classic on wheat and was amazed at the freshness that lied within the parchment paper. "Subway in Orono, Maine!, you have outdone yourself!" Let this serve as an analogy that small town living is better for your health. I'm beginning to like this place.

I'm in LABOR

Highlights of Labor

• Realized the cable was going to be shut off on my way home from work Friday.
• Made a make shift antenna out of a screwdriver and a horseshoe.
• Developed some film. (see below)
• Watched 19 DVDs.
• Saw 6 mullets, 2 fades and half a dozen permanants.
• Bought some stock in Match Light charcoal.
• Made smores.

I developed some film this weekend and decided to post some pictures. It is hard to get creative on the weekend. Some of these pictures are funny though. Let me know what you think.

Arghhh...they won't upload. I'll try to do it again soon. Promise.

A New Look

While in Hawaii I explored the possibility of becoming a hooker. Hooking is Hawaii's #1 profession for young ladies like myself. However, after returning home and watching an HBO Undercover- Hawaiian Hookers, I found out that most young hookers are in fact male. Males are just prettier in Hawaii. Ain't that the truth....

My peeps.

Think of Pretty Woman. The one on the far left would be Kit.

Candidate #2

Is it bad that I can tell she is a lesbian just from her voice?

Wanted: Complete Idiot

Thought of the Day
As we speak, I am in on a conference call for the person who is interviewing to fill my old job. Does that seem weird to anyone? As I am listening, and asking the occassional question, one voice keeps coming into my head....

(Peppermint Patty speaking to Charlie Brown..)

"Your a BLOCKHEAD Charlie Brown."

Questions I Really Want to Ask Him

1. Do you like men, because your lisp and vocabulary suggest you like men?
2. Did you still nurse off your mom at age 10?
3. Now when you say you're a "sports freak" you really mean that you have no brain cells, right?
4. I heard a rumor that people from Pennsylvania like to have sex with animals. Can you confirm or deny this?
5. Do you prefer jackass or idiot?
6. Is it true you were picked on as a child?
7. Who is your inspiration?

Ahh....I left the worst job in the world for the best job in the world. Thank goodness Charlie Brown!